{"id":314,"date":"2011-12-07T11:08:10","date_gmt":"2011-12-07T15:08:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogs.shu.edu\/english\/?page_id=314"},"modified":"2017-06-16T12:52:36","modified_gmt":"2017-06-16T16:52:36","slug":"peer-and-instructor-comments","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/blogs.shu.edu\/english\/peer-and-instructor-comments\/","title":{"rendered":"Peer and instructor comments"},"content":{"rendered":"

Student’s comments are in blue<\/span>, instructor’s in red.\u00a0\u00a0It’s nice for students to get comments from both the instructor and the student on a single draft, and this is easy to do in Blackboard.\u00a0 Notice that the comments are such that this student is likely to take the student’s comments almost as seriously as the instructor’s.<\/span><\/h4>\n

Religion Vs. Kids<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Who needs religion?\u00a0 There are many people in the world who do not believe in any religion.\u00a0 There are also parents who do not teach their children any sort of religion either.\u00a0 This is the dilemma brought forth in Anthony Brandt\ufffds essay called \ufffdDo Kids Need Religion.\ufffd\u00a0 Brandt looks at all the particulars in religious parents and children, and non-religious parents and children.\u00a0 He asks questions such as;\u00a0Perhaps at this point you could take his exact words from out of the book and quote it.\u00a0 I think it would be better since it’s coming directly from the author himself.<\/span><\/strong>does it deprive a child later on in life if he\/she is not raised learning a particular religion, is it necessary to force religious matters on children, and also are children raised better when children are involved with religion.\u00a0 As one could see, this is a very controversial statement, which raises a lot of diverse questions,\u00a0what kind of questions?<\/strong>\u00a0and this dilemma could be hard to take a sideon.once you state a couple of the possible questions, I think you could briefly explain why it would be difficult to take sides.<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0The you could say something like ” Just as it’s difficult for the reader to take sides, I also believe thst it was difficult for Brandt to choose a side.\u00a0 Although he makes the essay…”<\/strong>\u00a0 This is the main problem that Anthony Brandt seemed to have while writing his essay.\u00a0 Although he makes the essay interesting, he never directly states where he stands in the argument.\u00a0 The use of psychologist\ufffds opinion in his essay also makes the article uneasy and leaves the readers left out in the cold.\u00a0<<\/strong>\u00a0Here you could state why you feel this is true.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0Needs a stronger transition, like “In addition to Brandt’s difficulty in choosing a side, it seems as though he has a hard time telling a story.\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0I think Angelique misread this (as I did at first), reading “does not know” instead of DOES know.\u00a0 I think you could add a transitional phrase that clues the reader into the fact that you’re going to be saying something positive instead of negative (which is what we both expected, I think).\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>For one thing, Brandt does know how to tell a story.\u00a0 Brandt used a true story of his own to introduce the thesis to the readers of the essay.\u00a0\u00a0Perhaps giving a little more detail about what exactly happened, just a little more and make the explanation of what happened, clear.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>>True–if you add just a little more; you wouldn’t want to distract with too much.\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>This vivid story about the girls who died in the fire really catches the reader\ufffds eye because most people have gone through the misfortune of losing a friend or relative, or have heard of tragedies like the one Brandt writes about.\u00a0 Brandt also interviews his friends that are parents to get a good understanding of how these questions can become a controversy in society.\u00a0<\/span>What exactly did he ask during the interview?\u00a0 There’s no need to quote exactly what he asked here.<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0The responses of the parents, he quotes in the essay.\u00a0\u00a0What were the quotes?\u00a0 Write them out and cite them.<\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0These quotes let the audience not feel so one sided on the subject.\u00a0Why didn’t they feel one-sided?\u00a0 What words caused them to be able to pick a side?<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0You mean “not feel that the AUTHOR was one-sided”?\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>One could really get into the essay by reading the introduction and body of the essay.\u00a0\u00a0<Why?\u00a0 What is the main thing about these two parts of the essay that’s so good\/interesting?<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>But, it is towards the end of the essay that gets\u00a0confusing.perhaps you could briefly state what’s confusing about it and then talk about in in great detail later.<\/strong>\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0I don’t think I needed to know why at this point, but the transition into this last sentence seems a tad abrupt.<\/strong><\/p>\n

As stated before, Brandt uses quotes to state the other parent\ufffds opinions and situations.\u00a0 This leaves little room, if any, for Brandt to set a tone for his opinion about religion.\u00a0\u00a0Why does it leave little room?\u00a0 What does quoting do that’s so bad?\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/strong>Using quotes is not always a good idea.\u00a0 Because he quoted so many parents, the reader was not able to connect with his views and purpose of the essay.\u00a0elaborate a little more.\u00a0 Why weren’t they able to connect?\u00a0 Was it because his feelings weren’t being stated?\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0Readers know the question that the essay is based on, but readers cannot figure out why he is writing it.\u00a0 Brandt also never seems to have an argument for what he is trying to say.\u00a0 The readers have an opinion on statements, but he does not argue the statement.\u00a0 This again suggests that he does not have a clear and set side taken on the matter.\u00a0 For example he writes, \ufffdFor some parents, to be sure, questions like these present no problem. Either they have religious beliefs and are confident they can transmit them to their kids, or they have no religious beliefs at all and see no reason to raise their children to have any.\u00a0 I asked one father\ufffd\ufffd This is a good place to argue the questions with his opinion, but he fails to state anything.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>Give a specific example of how he could have argued the question.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Brandt talks about the world living in a secular society where the answers to our questions come from technology instead of the church.\u00a0 This again is another excellent argument to touch basis\u00a0base, not basis\u00a0<\/strong>on, but he does not elaborate at all on the fact we do live in a secular society.\u00a0 Brandt says, \ufffdMuch of the Western culture springs form religious feeling; we are secular but our heritage is not, and there is no true identification with a culture without some feel for its past.\ufffd\u00a0 But in the conclusion of his essay Brandt admits, \ufffdTo believe is to be connected, and those of us who don\ufffdt believe cannot help but miss the feelings that come with belonging to something larger than ourselves.\ufffd\u00a0\u00a0Why is this a good point in the paper to elaborate?\u00a0 What could he have done?<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>These two statements Brandt makes the readers lean toward the idea that Brandt\ufffds view is to make children have religion.\u00a0 But that is not all he says in his essay.\u00a0\u00a0The majority of your paragraph is quotes, you need to analyze more.<\/span>\u00a0\u00a0The last sentence of the paragraph is, I believe, suppose to transition into the next, but it’s a bit vague.\u00a0 I think either here or at the beginning of the next paragraph you need a stronger transition.<\/strong><\/p>\n

In a short amount of space, Brandt uses the thoughts and opinions of psychologists such as, Kohlberg, Piaget, Erikson, Dostoyevski, and Ana-Marie Rizzuto.\u00a0 As we all know, scientists such as these are strictly enforced not to take religion into consideration for the fact that\u00a0wording in here is a bit awkward\u00a0<\/strong>it could interfere with their search for the truth. \ufffdBasic trust,\ufffd described by Erikson, is only what children need to survive.\u00a0 Lawrence Kohlberg believes \ufffdmorality can survive without religion.\ufffd\u00a0 It is ironic that he would use these people to take advice\u00a0it’s not advice, really (though I think it’s close)\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>on religion when in fact they probably have not experienced much of it.\u00a0 Perhaps he could have picked better subjects to quote from.\u00a0\u00a0But isn’t the point that we DO live in a secular world and we naturally look to psychologists instead of priests and ministers to understand spirituality?\u00a0 Maybe you think he should be clearer about why he quotes them, but doesn’t it make sense that he quotes them, given his nonreligious background?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Unfortunately for a great subject, Brandt leaves the conclusion hanging out to dry.\u00a0 If this was the impression he was trying to make, well then he achieved it. But it is doubtful that that was what he was trying to accomplish.\u00a0 There are many statements, question, and dilemmas in Brandt\ufffds essay but the biggest enigma of all is where Brandt stands in his own topic.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Conclusion can pull all the pieces of your essay together more substantively and clearly.\u00a0 You’ve got a great start, Sue.\u00a0 Between Jim and Angelique, I don’t have much else to say!\u00a0 The big issue for revision, I think, is the transitions and order to make sure you have an essay that feels like a WHOLE, not a string of parts.\u00a0 You DO do this to some extent, but it can be even better!\u00a0 Also, as Jim suggests in his last comment, you can consider what Brandt may have been trying to do in dealing with a subject that may NOT have any definitive answers.\u00a0 This would make your argument more complex.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Metatext:\u00a0 I like the essay I wrote, but I do believe it is lacking something.\u00a0 Perhaps I over-criticized Brandt\ufffds essay.\u00a0 I am not so sure what I am lacking with the essay.\u00a0 I do wish I had a little more time in doing this essay, meaning I wish we could have gone over what we had to do in class more.\u00a0 Overall, I do believe the essay turned out all right.\u00a0 It is definitely not the best work I have done, but I enjoyed writing it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Student’s comments are in blue, instructor’s in red.\u00a0\u00a0It’s nice for students to get comments from both the instructor and the student on a single draft, and this is easy to do in Blackboard.\u00a0 Notice that the comments are such that this student is likely to take the student’s comments almost as seriously as the instructor’s. … Continue reading “Peer and instructor comments”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":600,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-314","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/blogs.shu.edu\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/314","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/blogs.shu.edu\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/blogs.shu.edu\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blogs.shu.edu\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/600"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blogs.shu.edu\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=314"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/blogs.shu.edu\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/314\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1315,"href":"http:\/\/blogs.shu.edu\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/314\/revisions\/1315"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/blogs.shu.edu\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=314"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}